That moment that you breakdown and realize that in order to move forward with your life you need to let go of what has not been working.
A really good friend of mine, one of those friends that sees right through you regardless of how well your facade is in place, took me through a process that he is developing as a practice that gets people to move forward with theirs lives and creates a support system for them.
I have been working on myself for years now and I can honestly say that it does not get easier. I mean it does but it really doesn’t at the same time. I know that I still have shit to work out but I also know that there is pain there that I tend to ignore and pretend doesn’t exist in order to survive. The problem is that survival is really not fulfilling.
What do you want?
Why do you want that?
These were the simple questions I was asked during the process. The process is a dyad which means it is just you and another person and that person asks you the same question over and over and over and over and over again and you answer with the first thing that comes into your mind. The hard thing is that your mind is trying to protect you, and master facilitators know that, which is why the question gets asked over and over again because although your mind can come up with a million ways to say the same thing eventually it’ll break and what you REALLY, TRULY want will come out. This was my experience anyway.
I knew what I wanted to say right away but I just did not want to go there. So I started with something really big and community oriented and then slowly but surely that got chipped away and what came out in the end is the very first thing that came to mind at the beginning. It was really interesting watching myself and how I tried so hard to out smart my dyad partner and how he knew to work the intonation of the questions to work me! Because I have all the experiences I have, it serves as both a pro and a con in this situation. The pro is that I know how to go into myself and find the answers, the con is that I think I can outsmart the system- I try to come up with responses that I think he wants to hear instead of just saying what I feel in the moment.
Once the dyad is complete and you have found what you really want you journal it and then come up with a list of things that you think you can do to help you get there. I did it. And discovered with such clarity that when I want to avoid something I get tired and sleep. It’s exactly what happened yesterday. While I was journaling I become exhausted, just like I am right now as I am typing this, and all I wanted to do was take a nap. I forced myself to stay present and to deal with what was happening now, instead of allowing myself to ignore it.
My tasks involve getting really comfortable being uncomfortable. I do not really love doing things on my own but it’s what I need. So I will be heading to coffee shops to just sit and read, enjoy time on my own and be open to meeting new people. I will be taking baths to energize my feminine energy, which I do not take care of enough. I will be meeting up with girlfriends and just spending time with them because as of right now I spend way too much time with the men in my life, whom I love- I just need my girls more frequently. I will be taking care of me. Until I fully love and accept and enjoy my own company I cannot expect someone else to feel the same way and take the time to break down my barriers! I know that I have known this for years but some lessons just come back over and over again to bite you in the ass until you deal with them. Self love is my current focus.